Is apology enough to warrant a full forgiveness?  I ask this question often in my work with clients.  Many victims feel guilty for not being able to feel full hearted forgiveness towards someone who hurt them deeply.  Also many offenders feel angry that the victim still shows signs of anger after saying s/he forgave the offender.

Our society including religion and psychology talk about how important it is to forgive.  What is not talked about enough is how to make amends.  Saying, “I am sorry” often is not enough for the offense, especially if the offense is being repeated or the offense was a very serious one.  Making amends means that I take actions to right the wrong that I have done and restore the balance with the victim.  I need to rectify the damage and acknowledge that this is an on going process.

So often, I hear a complaint from the offender that how long s/he has to pay the price and gets angry at the victim for not getting over fast enough.  When husband has repetitive affairs and then expect his wife to get over it in a couple of month, or even in a couple of years is not reasonable.  Yet, the society doesn’t teach people that making amends take time and it is absolutely expected.

The offender will have more self respect when s/he work on making amends. Even punishment feels empty often.  Instead of getting suspension for 3 days when a child bullies a peer, if the child can learn how it feels to be bullied and then do things that are supportive to the peer for period of time, both of them come out stronger and better.  How would our society be if we learn to go through personal changes by making amends?