There are ways that we communicate with each other that are systemically alienating us from compassion. 

1. Moralistic Judgments

I value organization and so when I see you spend time on being creative, I judge you to be messy and not disciplined.  On the other hand, if I value creativeness and see you worry about organization, I judge you to be obsessive compulsive. You can see how I set my preference to be the moral standard and judge those whose preference are different from me.

2.  Using power and control

I may use communication to intimidate others so that I keep my power over them.  This is the opposite of compassion as I don’t have any care about others’ interests and their well-being.

3.  Superficial Custom

My boss asked me “how are you?” in my 1st year being in America and I began to tell her how I got a flat tire on a highway coming to work.  She stopped me cold and said, “just say I am fine when someone ask you this question.”  I worked in a social welfare agency at the time.  There are many customs that promote superficial interaction like this. 

4. Making Comparisons

We can make anybody miserable by comparing them to others. You don’t make it as much as Joe, you are not as smart as your brother, you are not as pretty as Emily, etc.  It is easy to see how this type of communication completely lacks compassion.

5. Blaming

‘You made me angry’ is a common example of this. It is much easier to  blame others for my thoughts, feelings and actions. And yet nobody has that kind of power over us. As soon as the blame is out, the listener shuts down and the opportunity for compassion gets lost.