Can we communicate violently?  The answer is yes.  Just the way physical violence is on a continuum, verbal violence is also on a continuum. I get many clients for anger management.  I find that most of these clients use violent communication which are criticizing others, yelling, name-calling, cursing, and judging often or all the time.  Some of them don’t recognize this as violent.  They think they didn’t commit any violence as they didn’t cause any physical harm. 

This happens often with men and women both.

Scenario 1 is a wife sending her husband for anger management for punching a wall.  Upon exploration, wife daily berates him.  Usual suspect is the husband and I beg to differ.  Wife also needs to take responsibility for violent communication.

Scenario 2 is a dad sending his daughter for acting out by sneaking out of the home.  It turns out dad explodes every other day and the daughter wants to get away from home.

Scenario 3 is a boss sending her worker for mental health assessment.  The worker has been so anxious and self conscious that she has not been able to perform.  It turns out that the boss mistakenly use constant criticism to improve the worker’s performance which has the opposite effect. 

I hear from people that physical violence brakes their body and verbal violence crushes their soul.  Body may heal over time, sometimes leaving scars.  Soul healing needs more intentional effort as the wound is invisible.

Yet anyone who has gone through constant put downs knows how the humiliation has internalized unconsciously.  We all can learn to express our thoughts and feeling with care.